


Souvenirs d'Antan

by Hazelnut_Nala



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: 1890s, 1900, Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Historical, Conflicted Feeling, Denial of Feelings, English!Levi, Fluff and Angst, German!Eren, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, Masturbation, Older Eren Yeager, Victorian era, little Levi, snkartits big bang challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-23
Updated: 2015-11-08
Packaged: 2018-04-27 00:11:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5026108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hazelnut_Nala/pseuds/Hazelnut_Nala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Souvenirs d'Antan or The Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>I keep fond memories of the 90'. The 1890's I mean.<br/>It was filled with joy, hardship, love, pain and sorrow. But I don't regret any of it.<br/>How could I regret falling in love with him?<br/>Those are my sweetest memories, my precious remembrances, the most beautiful years of my life. <i></i></i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>AU where Levi lives in the 1890s and is the son of an earl. He met Eren, a page who worked in one of their mansions.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Written as part of the SNK Artist's Network 2015 Big Bang Challenge.</i>
  </i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mémoires Jeunes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!
> 
> So this is my contribution to the Snkartist's Big Bang Challenge!  
> Check out the art made by [highlyunmotivatedfox](http://highlyunmotivatedfox.tumblr.com/) on her blog [here!!!](http://highlyunmotivatedfox.tumblr.com/post/131660717622/please-ignore-my-atrocious-bg-skills-omgggg)
> 
> [Sab](http://gondolinnel.tumblr.com/) thanks a lot hun for the beta work, ily!! Thanks to [Em](http://i-read-too-many-fanfics.tumblr.com/) and [Kath](http://riva-fucking-ere.tumblr.com//) for the help too!

     ❖ **Souvenir** , French noun (m): Memory-Memories. (1) The faculty by which the mind stores and remembers information or something remembered from the past. (2) A recollection.

 

     ❖ **Antan** , French noun (m): Yore; of long ago or former times often used in nostalgic recollection.

 

_Souvenirs d’Antan_ : Memories of Yesterday.

 

 

I was born on December the 25th 1882.  
The day of Christmas.  
“A miracle”, as my mother and father sometimes liked to say, seeing as they had been struggling to conceive a child for quite some time without success.  
With their first born being a boy who also didn’t die young, a “miracle” was added to the story.

That was probably why my parents decided to name me Levi; a name found in the Old and New Testament despite not being religious.  
The irony.

It was understandable tough.  
In 1859 Darwin shared his Theory on Natural selection and everybody went a little ballistic.  
They all started to think that maybe, maybe the thing they had considered the truth, which had been taught by religion wasn't the actual truth.

My parents were never religious to begin with. They always told me to stay away from the brainwashing of the Church, especially the Anglican, which was very powerful back then. Even queen Victoria herself forced them to loosen their grip on the House of Lords a little.

 

My mother Kuchel Ackerman, born Whitlock, was a kind and gentle woman.  
I spent most of my earliest years with her. She was the one who tutored me at home, despite the norms demanding for me to be tutored by a governess. She taught be the basics of mathematics and science, some Greek and some Latin. She was tough sometimes, but only when I was being difficult, which didn’t happen very often.

My father Klaus Ackerman, actually Earl Klaus Ackerman, was a strict man.  
He was cold and a little harsh, but my guess would be it was just his way of loving us.  
Wanting the best for us, and pushing us to achieve better. You hardly saw him smile, but when he did, it was the most wonderful thing in the world.

He was the eldest son of three; my uncle Kenny and Karl being his little brothers. Therefore he inherited the business company from his father, like he himself had inedited it from his father and so on.

 

Ackerman and Church Co. was one of the biggest companies in the tea industry, importing it to the United Kingdom from Asia.  
The company’s founder was my great-great-grandfather, Preston Ackerman. He was a self made man, and quickly became what the aristocrats would call a “nouveaux riches”.  
He was wealthy, wealthier than some old aristocrat family; that was the reason why his son Emerson Ackerman had married the daughter of the Earl Georges Harrington.  
The Harringtons were an old family of aristocrats who were on the edge of bankruptcy; “Old Money” wasn’t really at its peak back then, with the industrialization’s rapid development. A lot of aristocrat families had to marry rich commoners in order to continue living their extravagant lifestyles.

   
Earl Georges Harrington’s daughter Emilia gave birth to the son of Emerson: William Ackerman, my grandfather who later married a German baroness called Roswitha Shürmann.  
That was the reason why my father and his brother had German names. Klaus, Kenny, and Karl.

My uncle, the Baron Kenny Ackerman, also worked in the tea company, but unlike my father he spent most of his time in China. I always thought he was supervising the shipment and the workers there, but I later discovered that he was involved in some rather shady business, using the company to smuggle Opium to London. We hardly ever saw him.

My other uncle, the Baron Karl Ackerman also worked on the field, but in Japan. Most companies had their firms in China, but my father decided to open one in Yokohama, thinking that their tea was better than the Chinese one. Japan was still pretty much conservative back the, only starting to open to the rest of the world. Very few companies had chosen it for trading, but my father, the business man he was, saw a golden opportunity in this new opening market.  
My father sent his younger brother there. Thus, I hardly ever saw him either.

We lived in the Ackerman Mansion, which was located one hour north away from London. It was a large domain that became ours thanks to the Harringtons.

The mansion was made of reds bricks like most of houses in London at the time, which caused it to stand out in summer, when the tree around it were adorned with bright green.

On the day of my birth everyone was there. The family was complete, all of them rejoicing at the birth of the future earl.

 

The ten first years of my life were spent in this mansion; being tutored by my mother, occasionally going to balls when my father thought I’d earned it, and reading the numerous books in our gigantic library.  
Most of them weren't fit for a child, and I didn't understand them all. But my life was boring and I searched everyway for ways to make it a little more eventful, even through books.

Something that made my life definitely more eventful happened the year of my 10th year in the form of a carriage.  
My uncle Karl, returned unexpectedly from Japan.  
Not only that, but he wasn’t alone. He came back with his fiancée and his child.  
That was how I met my cousin Mikasa.

My uncle had fallen in love with her mother Yumeji in Japan, and despite coming here since the two had first met, he never mentioned her nor their child.

Mikasa was a quiet child much like myself. She spent most of her time close to her mother, not wanting to be alone in the unfamiliar house.

After some time, she eventually warmed up to me and we grew closer.  
I knew how to read her and she knew how to read me. We spent a lot of time together, playing in the big salon or in the library, where I liked read her books out loud.  
My mother often joked on how we similar we were, and I couldn’t deny it.  
We were alike in a lot of ways. 

Needles to say that my family wasn’t your average aristocrat family.  
“Nouveau riche” that got into aristocracy thanks to “Old money”, a father doing business in Japan, a shady uncle, an uncle who got a child before marriage and a mother who didn’t care what a “proper education” (proper by the aristocracy standard) meant.  
We were quit eccentrics in that way, sometimes even called scandalous. But we didn’t care.  
We were Ackerman and proud of it.

  

 

The year of my tenth years was also the year I went to a boarding school. 

My parents had chosen the Harrow School, which was the northwest of London.  
It was one of the best schools there was, it was hard, but provided the highest education one family could give to their child before sending them off to University. 

That’s where I met my first friend who wasn’t Mikasa, but she was family so it didn’t really count. Erwin Smith was the Son of a Duke. Even when he was no more than ten years old, you could see that he would go far in life. He had a bright mind, and was all about discipline. He was also good-looking even for his age, and it would get enhanced as time passed. Everywhere he went he had everyone on his feet.

  

But the Harrow School wasn’t the reason why I at some point came to question everything I thought to be true.  
It was not the place that made who I am right now, not the place I fell in love with and fell in love at, not the place that made me feel a multitude of emotion, ranging from fondness to sorrow just thinking about it. 

No, all that happened because of a certain someone, in our house in Germany called Eichenallee Herrenhaus.  
It meant Oak Alley Mansion and the name was given to it because of the grand oaks bordering the alley that led to the house. The huge trees where lined up on each side of it, casting an aerie shadow on the path in summer.

The house had white walls and red exposed beams that shone under the sun like garnet.  
High turrets with grey rooftops and red wooden balconies could be found on each wing.  
It was surrounded by a forest of pine, were we could hunt when it was the season.  
The mansion looked more like a castle in my opinion, and I loved it. I found it more welcoming that the Ackerman Mansion, despite being older. 

My parents sent me there each summer to learn German and to go through what I’d learnt at Harrow’s that I wouldn’t forget everything. 

Overall, the memories I made at Eichenallee Herrenhaus were good one. 

I went there for the first time the summer of my eleventh year, after a first long and hard year at Harrow’s. 

I still remember it clearly; the day I first came.  
The carriage passing trough the oak alley, the sweet smell of flower and freshly cut grass, my first time seeing the white walls seemingly shining as it reflected the sun light, and all of the house staff lined up outside. 

The staff wasn’t as big as in the Ackerman Mansion. They were approximately twenty compared to the good 30 in London. 

The higher staffs; the Land Steward and House Steward were the first ones to come greet me. 

The Land Steward was an old man by the name of Pixis. He was bald with a grey mustache that curled up at the ends and his face was full of wrinkles. He made me think of those marionettes portraying old men you could see in theater.  
The Land steward job was basically responsible of managing the lands, collecting rents  
and undertaking all those activities associated with making the estate profitable

  

I have to admit I don’t really remember the House Stewart’s face or name; all I remember about him was that he was a very discrete man, and that his apprentice was a girl.  
I later learned that the apprentice was in fact a boy, that his name was Armin, and that despite his young age he was an apprentice thanks to his exceptional intelligence.  
It was still incredible that someone that young would some day be responsible for all purchasing, hiring, firing and paying the servant staff in the mansion.

  

The rest of the house staff all seemed friendly. They all had their head bowed down, showing respect to the master. 

I did notice one boy though, who kept peeking by looking up from time to time.  
Messy brown hair and bright green eyes was all I saw at the time.

 

“Welcome to Eichenallee Herrenhaus young master! It’s a pleasure to have you here” The old man Pixis said cheerfully.  
He smiled at me, making his wrinkles even more apparent, and asked me to accompany him inside. 

The first few days I spent my days exploring the house, the garden, and every other place I was allowed to go to. 

Most of the rooms were empty of people, the only one who could use them was the master, and I was the only Ackerman here. The higher staff could use them from time to time, but they preferred their own office. 

Despite that, one day as I ventured trough the huge library, I noticed that I wasn’t alone; a boy was seated on the couch reading a book. 

I recognized the boy from when I first came, the one who didn’t bow entirely his head.  
He was older than me, and way taller, not that it was hard to be taller than me. My mother had told me that it was because I had yet to reach puberty, and that once puberty was over, I’d be as tall as my dad.  
I had hoped she was right before finally giving up all hope when I still hadn’t gone past 1m60 by the time I reached the age of twenty. 

The boy looked up from his book, probably hearing my footstep echo in the library.  
He smiled and patted on the free space on the couch.

“Hi, do you want to sit with me?" his voice was a little weird, it was sometimes high and low, like it couldn’t decide if it wanted to age or not. “I can read for you if you want me to”, he smiled at me, his perfect teeth flashing white. 

“Thank you, but I can read on my own” I replied. I didn’t need anybody to read for me, I spent most of my time in the library back at home and in school, it wasn’t for some domestic to read to me. 

“Oh, sorry young master. Would you like to read a book then? Most of them are in German though. Can you read German?”  
I had started to learn German at Harrow’s, I could read it, but it didn’t mean that I could understand all of it. I shook my head, not wanting to admit out loud that I couldn’t read it.

He smiled at me again, tilting a little his head to the left. 

“Let me find you an English book then.”  
He got up from the couch and walked to a row of books that were aligned neatly on the shelves. 

I took advantage of it by striding to the couch and seated myself on it. 

The boy came back after a little while with a black book in his hands.

“I hope you like poetry, that’s all I found in English for now” 

I took the book in my hands; _Poems_ was written on the cover, it was by Oscar Wilde. 

I opened the book and started reading; the boy sat down next to me, picked up his book and started reading too. 

We read in silence for quite a while, both immersed in our book. 

After some times, Wilde’s poetry bored me. I didn’t understand all the subtleties of it and a lot of the metaphors went over my head.  
I closed the book and chose to study the boy beside me.

He was tan, probably due to all the work he did outside. His hair was a mess of deep brown locks, falling haphazardly on his head.  
He had green eyes, the greenest ones I‘d ever seen.  
His nose was thin and straight, his lower lip was full while his upper lip was thinner.  
I decided that he wasn’t bad to look at.  
Definitely better looking that some of father’s friend that usually came to visit or the other boys his age back at Harrow. 

He had a frown on his face, eyes shining with determination.  
I noticed after some time that the book he was reading was in English and contained a lot of pictures. It was filled with illustration of the sea, and other marine subject.  
He didn’t seem to read the text, but looked at the images and turned the pages quickly. 

“You don’t read the texts?” I inquired. He looked up his eyebrow shooting up in surprise. 

“Oh, erm, I can’t really read English” He scratched the back of his head, looking embarrassed; the tip of his ears was red, I wondered if he was feeling hot. 

“ I can teach you if you want, and you’ll teach me how to read German” The boy looked surprised by my offer, but he didn’t laugh. And I was grateful for that, most people would have laughed at the proposal from an eleven year old, to teach somebody to read. But this boy didn’t.

Instead he smiled at me. 

“Alright then, you’ll teach me English and I’ll teach you German” He extended his hand; I looked at it, noticing how clean it was, before shaking it. 

“My name is Eren by the way, I look forward to learn with you young master” He said smiling, titling his head to the left. 

“You can call me Levi,” I murmured. I looked down on our still joined hand. 

I was also looking forward to it. 

 

Meeting with Eren, teaching him English and he teaching me German, was how I spent the rest of my summer.  
Of course I also had to take classes with the private teacher that had been hired to make me go through the things I’d learnt at Harrow’s, but that wasn’t the thing I liked the most. 

I enjoyed Eren’s presence, and learned little things about him. 

He was the Page, and aspired to become First Footman. His duty mainly consisted of doing light odd jobs and standing in attendance wearing livery when guests were being received, plus the little errand he had to do.  
His family lived in the town nearby; he had no brothers and no sisters. He was fifteen year old but sometimes it was almost as though he was eleven like me. He made me laugh a lot and time passed too quickly whenever I was with him.  
He titled his head when he smiled at me, always looking at me with fondness.  
I also decided that I liked his voice despite its weird pitch. 

He got along well with everyone, except maybe the stable boy Jean. I didn’t know how, but each time they were near each other, they had to fight.  
They usually didn’t have a lot of fistfights; it was more jibs and insult.  
But I remember one time when I saw him come with a black eye and a bloody nose. I didn’t even have to ask to know what happen. Sadly this day he only came to tell me he couldn’t tutor me, as the butler Led punished him and Jean to go do the kitchen work for one week. 

It was the most boring week of the summer. 

I left at the end of August, just before class started again in Harrow.

I knew the basic of German, and Eren could read and understand a little of English now.  
I was glad I spent my summer with him, and left with a promise of teaching him more next year, and bringing back more English books with me. 

 

 

That’s what my relationship with Eren was like for the next 5 year. 

I went to Eichenallee Herrenhaus in the summer, taught Eren English and he taught me German. After only 3 year, he was fluent in English and I was fluent in German. 

Despite us having learn all we could, we still spent our time together, just reading books next to each other, enjoying each other’s presence. 

I learned more and more about Eren as I spent time with him.  
For example, how he liked doing horse riding despite never having been taught how to ride, or how he never went out of his village but would like to travel the world once, especially going to the United Kingdom.  
How his ear turned red when he lied, like that time I asked him if he ever had kissed anyone when I thought I saw him kiss someone behind the stable on day. He denied it, but his ear became red, and he quickly changed subject.  
Like how he went back to his house one day without telling me, and returned one week late, looking gloom and empty.  
His mother had died of illness in the week, leaving him and his father behind. I tired to cheer him up by reading him one of my favorite book, but he only smiled sadly at me and petted my hair before leaving to brood on his own.

 

During these five years, there are only two events that are worth mentioning.

The first happened when I was thirteen years old in London. 

I came back home to the mansion during a weekend in May, and found my parent and everyone else in the household all over the newspaper. 

I learned that Oscar Wilde had been accused something awful, and that he had to go to court. 

I remember that my parents were angry and everyone in the house was trying to talk about the case thinking they knew more than everyone else. 

I grabbed a paper and read the article that caused so much uproar.

The Eighth Marquess of Queensberry accused Wilde of indecent relations with other young men, apparently one of them being the Marquess’ son, Lord Alfred. There were other accusation but the article didn’t treat them. 

The article included a small passage on the Labouchere Amendment which was part of Section 11 of the Criminal Law Amendment Act of 1885 made ten year ago.  
The Amendment made homosexuality, or "gross indecency" as they called it, a crime. The law punishment was life imprisonment for sodomy, until 1861 it had been death.

Wilde was found guilty of indecent behavior with men, the maximum penalty under the Criminal Law Amendment Act: two years of hard labor. Because there was no proof for sodomy he escaped life imprisonment. 

I remember some words escaping me, like the sodomy. I didn’t know what it mean, and when I asked the maid they shushed me and said I shouldn’t ask such question and that if I did again very bad things would happen to me. The concept of homosexuality didn’t mean a thing for me either, but my Latin helped me a little, and I figured out what it meant eventually. 

I went back to Harrow’s dorm the next week.  
Even here, everyone talked about the trial of Wilde. 

It was at Harrow’s that I learned everything about it, and understood most of it.  
What I didn’t expect was all the resentment young boys had toward Wilde. 

“He is a bloody Backgammon player.” Arthur, one of my upperclassmen spat. He was the son of an Earl like me, and had the foulest mouth I ever encountered.  
Even Jean the pony boy didn’t swear as much as him. 

We were in the study room among our peer. Arthur had asked me to help him in some of his homework; we were alone at the table.

“What’s a Backgammon player?” I asked innocently. Did Wild take part in some illegal game? Was that game wroth two years of hard labor?  
Arthur eyed me for some time, before getting closer to me.

“It means he fucks men, Levi.” He whispered, looking at me straight in the eyes.  
“He’s a disgrace to society and should be dead. The amendment stopped punishing these people by death, but in my opinion those queers should all die. We don’t need them, they corrupt us.” He leaned back in his chair, a horrid glint in his eyes. 

“They will all go to Hell, that’s what my father told me”. 

He had stated the last part with an imperative voice; it was like God itself had spoken to his father, announcing this fatality. 

Starting here, Harrow students were on everyone’s back.  
Had you been a little too nice to another boy?  
You could count on the others to bully you till you cried or pissed your pants.  
You didn’t want to do sports? You would find your clothes discarded around campus, dirty and ripped apart. 

At the time, homosexuality was like the plague. We were all afraid that it might catch us, and turn us in ugly beast.  
We had no idea how it actually worked, but no one dared ask, in fear of being the target of the bullies. 

Sadly, it all went too far, like it always did when boys thought they could be the law and judge people. 

One student, Stuart, had been a victim of this ruthless treatment.  
He was one of my classmates, a kind and calm boy. He didn’t talk much and was always there to help people. Unfortunately for him, it means he was the target of countless bullies.  
People started to ignore him, cast him aside, laugh at him when he passed in the hallway, tripped him, stole his things, and punched him whenever the teachers weren’t looking. 

One morning we found him at the bottom of the North Tower. Dead. 

Did he jump himself? Was it some bullying that had gone too far? We never knew. 

I lived the rest of the year afraid of being the next victim of the bullying.  
Not that I felt any attraction for boys, but any mistake and everyone could turn against you.  
So I did what I had to do to be like them, to fit in.  
I started to use slur for the queer and hated on the homosexuals for nothing. 

Like often in that case, I started to believe in what I thought was only a way to make me invisible.  
Only the mention of queer people made me react viciously against it and rant on how they shouldn’t exist and how they were a rotten part of our society that should be burned to make the society better. 

I truly believed that homosexuality was a sin despite not being religious, and felt disgust by only thinking of two men being intimate.

 

 

 

The second event that marked these five years was the promotion of Eren and his friends in Eichenallee Herrenhaus. 

There was a “ceremony” in summer while I was here. I was fifteen at the time. 

Eren the Page became First Footman at age of nineteen, like he always dreamed of. His main job was to be tall, handsome and represent the estate's grandeur. He accompanied the lady of the house on shopping expeditions when she was present, served the family meals and assisted the butler in his duties.  
Basically he was the “face” of the house, and his good look was all he needed. 

Jean the stable boy became the Stable master. Needless to say the horse joke weren’t going to stop now.  
Armin, who I first mistook for a girl, became the House Stewart.

There was other who got promoted: Marco became the Head gardener; Sasha became the Under Cook (meaning she was now the chef apprentice). Connie stayed a Groom; apparently he liked taking care of the horses too much to care about being promoted. 

I remember the way Eren was dressed clearly, even to this days.  
He wore a black tailored suit.  
Black single-breasted jacket, closed on a waistcoat with dark green and brown stripes. A white shirt with a wing tip collar and a black necktie to adorn it. Black trousers completed the look.  
The whole suit looked a little old, the sleeve of the suit were a little too short, but overall it suited it with perfection. 

He had pulled his hair back, and with the help of a miracle not a single strand was out of the place. It seems that his eyes were more vibrant that ever, the brown and green waistcoat brought out the green.

The ceremony was held in the Large Salon and all the staff was here.  
For once the Land Stewart, Pixis, who hosted it wasn’t completely drunk, same for Hannes the Game Keeper who for once came out of the hunting cabin. 

“So, how do you find me?” Eren later asked me. We were in the library where we spend most of our time together. 

“Mhm?” I raised an eyebrow, not sure what he wanted my opinion on. 

“The suit! Does it look good on me? I’ll have to wear it all the time now that I’m First Footman”  
He was standing before me, and turned on him so I could see the back of the suit too.

“It’s fine, a little too short on the sleeves though.”

“Ah yeah” He rubbed the back of his neck a little embarrassed, It was the only one I could afford… But now I’ll be paid more, so I can buy new one!”

“Ah, I doubt that even with your pay you could afford a good one, you’d have to sell your mother and even then I doubt it would be enough” I snickered.  
For some reason Eren felt offended and became redder. 

“Well, sorry that we are not all born an Earl’s son Levi, we can’t all live on our parents’ money!”  
I raised my head up from the book I was reading, shocked.  
No one, ever, had talked to me like that. What surprised me the most was that it came from Eren from all people.

We stared at each other, me in astonishment and Eren in anger. 

We could have been doing it for ages had not a maid interrupted us, telling Eren that Eld, the Butler, needed his help. 

He left the room without looking back and without a word, leaving me with my mouth still open. 

I then remembered what date it was today.  
Eren’s mother death anniversary was just around the corner, and I had been a complete idiot. I had been inconsiderate and Eren had come to resent me for that. 

Eren didn’t have time for me the rest of summer, his new position requiring a lot more of work from his part than the previous one had. 

I was afraid to leave the house still on bad term with him. I considered Eren my friend despite all. One of my best friends even. 

One week before my leave, I asked Armin for a favor. 

“I need you to go in town and buy this. Exactly this” I gave him the list I had made. I knew I should ask the errands boy for that. But I didn’t trust anyone for the task but Armin. 

“You want me to buy a suit, sir? Pardon me, but it might be a little too big for you, young master” His sweet voice said. 

“Mhm, it isn’t for me.” I looked down at my desk trying to convey that the conversation was over.  
I heard Armin chuckle before turning to leave. 

Just before going out he turned around. 

“I will buy the suit, sir, however, young master got Eren’s waist measure a little off. I’ll add the right one!” He smiled a bright smile and left the room. 

I could feel my face turning red and I pushed my flushing face against the desk in an attempt to cool it down. 

Armin was too intelligent for his own good.

 

Before leaving for London, Armin informed me that he had given the suit to Eren. 

The carriage was leaving when I saw Eren for the last time this summer. He was in front of the main door, smiling at me, the suit in his hands. He waved at me, tightening his hold of the suit in his arms. 

I waved back and I knew that we were good again. 

 

The summer of my sixteenth year was the most bizarre and emotionally challenging for me. 

It all happened to quickly, or rather, it dawned on me all at the same time. 

It was a hot summer day.

I decided to do some horse riding in our forest close to the villa.  
Eren, being the horse lover he was, took some time off to accompany me. 

Normally I would wear the formal attire for horse riding, but it was so hot outside that I decided to stick to a plain shirt, horse riding pants and boots. Eren wore similar clothes too, though his pants were much lighter than mine.

I remember the hot sun tapping on our head, making us all sweaty despite not having a lot of clothes on to begin with.  
The smell of pine and grass was in the air, the wind blowing in our faces, messing up our hair.  
The sound of the horses trampling dead leaves and brushwood, and our breath was all we heard.  
All I could see were sparks of bright red and warm brown. We were going fast, following the stream of a little river.  
I remember my heart beating fast in excitement, the speed thrilling me.

There was a fallen tree was on our path. Eren looked at me quickly, smirking, before accelerating and jumping before me.  
I smiled at his audacity before tightening my grip on the reins and preparing myself to jump.  
I landed heavily on the other side of the tree, and for some reason started laughing, at caught up to Eren, who was also laughing. 

We continued to race for some time before slowing down. 

There was a little clearing, with a stream of river going through it.  
It was filled with colorful flowers: blue bugloss, violet columbine, pink blackhorehound spread all over the green grass.

I got off my horse, holding out the reins for Eren, so we could tie them to a nearby tree.  
I streaked across the clearing, wanting to sit near the water. 

Eren joined me later and sat heavily beside me. 

I turned my head to look at him. 

Sweat was dripping from his forehead, down on his eyebrow and temple.  
I watched his thick eyebrow, full lips and straight nose; his skin was tanned despite spending most of his time inside the mansion now. 

In the light of the sun his eyes shone even more. The green made me think of the forest, countless nuances in them, from dark green around the edges, to vibrant almost electric green near the pupil. He had long lashes hooding them. Girls must have been very jealous of them. 

He had some stubble on his cheeks and throat. He shaved this morning but it looked like it was growing fast. 

The sweat was dripping down his neck, stopping at his collarbone. They were very visible, as the bones wanted to get out from under the skin. 

He had rolled up the sleeve of his shirt. I noted that the shirt became transparent on the front and under his armpit because of the sweat.

One thing about Eren was that he was hairy. His chest had hair all over his pectoral, and a line went down, growing thicker just above his pants. 

I looked up quickly, turning my head to the opposite direction. 

I heard Eren chuckle beside me. 

“I’m too hot,” he sighed trying to fan himself with his shirt. “I’ll gladly cool myself down in the river” I turned to look at him. He was looking at the river with envy, like he wanted to be the water itself.

“Go if you want to, I’ll stay here” 

“Ahh Levi, don’t you want to refresh yourself a little?” He asked smiling at me. 

“No, I’m fine thank you. But you can go if you want” My mood had changed, suddenly I wasn’t has cheerful as before. 

“Alright”, He stood up, took of his boots and approached the water. He went in it, stepping in it till the bottom of his pants was all wet. 

“Shit”, he crouched down to roll up the bottom of his pants. 

He fiddled with the front of his shirt. His back was facing me, so I couldn’t quite see what he was doing.  
Then his shirt fell off his shoulders, and I watched as his back muscles stretched and bent.  
His arm were muscular from the labor work he had to do, they were defined as his back, and I saw when he turned to throw the shirt on the grass, that his stomach was as impressive as his biceps. 

At that moment, with the sun illuminating him, I thought Eren was the most beautiful being ever. 

He jumped in the water, disappearing under the surface.  
Some droplet reached me, falling on my face. 

I snapped out of whatever state I was in, wondering why I had been looking at Eren like that.  
And more importantly, why did I only notice all these things about him now. 

I shouldn’t think that. I shouldn’t even look at Eren that way. 

What was wrong with me? 

I wasn’t like that. 

I wasn’t like _them_. 

I didn’t like men, I didn’t like watching them. It wasn’t good, it wasn’t right. 

“Hey Levi why are you frowning? Come in the water for a bit, it’ll make you feel better!” Eren was in the water till his waist, his torso dripping wet. 

I felt my face burn, a hot shiver ran trough my whole body, and I felt a tingling sensation in the pit of my stomach.  
I felt hot, too hot, especially in my lower half. 

I bolted up, and turned around, not wanting him to see me. 

“Get your shirt back on, we are going back”, I snapped. I made my way to be the horses, not waiting for Eren. 

“But Levi! We just sat-”

“NOW!” I screamed to him. Eren backed away a little, looking hurt. 

I didn’t want to be near him anymore.  
I didn’t want to look at him anymore. I needed to get away; I needed to think of something else. 

We made our way back to the mansion in silence. 

Jean was waiting for us in front of the stables. 

I got off my horse and handed the over reins to him before storming inside. 

I heard footstep following me probably Eren’s. I didn’t wait for him and headed straight to my room. 

“Wait Levi! What happened? Tell me! Did I do-” I didn’t wait for him to finish his sentence before slamming the door in his face. 

I went straight to my bed, not even changing to clean clothes. _  
_

_I’ll ask a maid to make me a bath later_. 

For now I wanted to be alone and far away from Eren. 

I didn’t even want to think about what I had felt back there. Those weren’t emotions I should have felt, I shouldn’t even have to worry about it. 

It must have been the heat and the sun, making me dizzy and feel unthinkable stuff. 

I liked Eren as a friend. That was all.  
There was more nothing to it, and never will be. 

Despite that, for some reason, my chest felt heavy, like there was a weight on it, pressuring me and making me almost unable to breathe. 

I laid back on my bed, and forced myself to take deep breaths. I could breathe better, but the uneasy feeling wouldn’t go away. 

And he wouldn’t go away for a long time. 

I spent the rest of this summer avoiding Eren.  
After the incident at the clearing, I didn’t want to risk anything.  
Each time we were in the same room, I would ignore him, or find an excuse to go elsewhere.

I didn’t want look at him, afraid that the vivid image of him, dripping in water, would find its way into my mind again.  
Despite all my precaution, Eren didn’t leave my mind.  
I thought about him all the time. I wondered what he was doing, if he was hot, if he still continued to go to the library despite me not going there anymore. 

I wondered if I had always thought about him this much, or if it only started recently.  
I didn’t find an answer. 

Summer ended slowly, days became shorter, and all I wanted was to get back to London. 

This place made me feel sick.  
Thinking of Eren made feel sick. 

I caught myself thinking of him in my bed at night. Imagining his smile, thinking of his well defined arms and abs.  
These thought were usually followed by dreams I didn’t want to remember, leaving me hot with a growing pain on my lower half that I didn’t want to acknowledge. 

I disgusted myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Voilà voilà!!  
> End of first chapter!!
> 
> The Victorian era and la Belle Epoque are my favorite historical period if you hadn't guessed. I tried staying the most historically accurate, but if there is any mistake please let me know!  
> Next chapter will come soon!
> 
> Leave kudos and comments! Comments make my day, it can be simplest thing it'll still make me smile!
> 
> My tumblr is [levis-diddly-dong](http://levis-diddly-dong.tumblr.com/)!


	2. Vestiges d'une Tempête

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the second chapter!  
> Some shit went down in the previous one, hopefully Levi will get his shit together!  
> (But some gut shit happen)
> 
> Thanks again to [Sab](http://gondolinnel.tumblr.com/) for being an awesome beta!!!

I hadn't talked to Eren since the incident in the woods.

I didn’t want to.

I couldn’t.

I couldn’t face him after all the thoughts I’d had of him this summer. It wasn’t possible.  
How could I possibly look him in the eyes again?

He would probably be disgusted, maybe as much as I had been of myself.

How could someone like him ever want to be near me, who had these impure thoughts about him?  
It was even worse than impure, it was downright sinful. 

I knew what happened to people who thought in this manner, those beasts who acted on impulse.  
But I wasn’t like them.  
I could control myself. 

It was probably the sun. The heat, and the adrenaline from the ride. Those were probably the cause. 

I blamed it on the sun, and tried to stop thinking about Eren completely.

  

I went back to London at the end of August, like always, and went back to Harrow’s in September.

This year was a difficult one. 

I kept thinking about what had happened this summer. Not that I wanted to. 

I just couldn’t get Eren out of my head.  
I kept seeing him, laughing when we would be together in the library.  
Kept seeing him smile in fondness as he watched the little pups running in the field. Sometimes this smile was directed to me, and I remembered how it made me feel all warm.  
I kept seeing his sleeping face from when he fell asleep while we were studying once.  
Kept seeing his defined muscle as he undid his shirt, illuminated by the sunlight that hot summer afternoon. 

My mood was aggravated by all those thoughts. I was easily irritable, would glare at anyone who would come close to me, and be harsh to my classmates and my family. I was frustrated, I couldn’t get those thoughts out of my head, and it was slowly driving me crazy. 

The only ones who could more or less calm me down where Erwin and Mikasa.  
I knew that what was happening wasn’t their fault, so I tried to not lash my anger on them. 

 

For the summer, I asked my father not to send me to Germany that year.  
He looked at me for a long time, before saying that he’d send me elsewhere.  
I felt like he knew, like his eyes had seen right through me. But my Father had always made me feel like this, like he knew some truth that nobody else knew.  
Maybe he figured that my recent mood change had had something to do with Eichenallee Herrenhaus.  
Maybe he knew more. 

He decided to send me to his business partner in France, Charles Church.  
He lived in a cozy house in Paris with his wife Edith and their son Farlan.  
I had known Farlan since I was younger; he always tagged along when his father went on business trips to London, and we had played many times together. 

Although it’d been quite some time since I had last seen him, I was looking forward to seeing him, and to go to France to finally stop thinking about that German boy. 

At that time, in 1899, Paris was a huge construction site. 

The city had finally approved the plan to build a subway and the work had just started.  
Paris was getting ready to host the Summer Olympic game as well the _Exposition Universelle_ , a world fair.  
It was the dawn of a new century, industrialization was at its best, and the United Kingdom had the grandest Empire in the world.  
The capital was packed with people: young artists in search of fame; Ladies strolling in the beautiful parks, courtesans trying to catch the interest of young bourgeois boys, and the latter trying to discreetly talk with them without being seen.  
Life was great.  
At least for the rich. 

The Farlan’s house was located in Montmartre, the basilica of the Sacré Coeur, dominating the neighbourhood from the top of the hill in its white glory. It was hard to look at when the sun shined on it; the blinding white light hurt your eyes, like it was a lighthouse in the day. 

As much as Montmartre was a lovely area, getting there was a real pain in the ass.  
I was glad that I had arrived in a carriage; the people walking up there by foot had a harder time than me.  
There was no way I was going to climb all those stairs with my luggage. 

Farlan was fiancé to a lovely lady by the name of Isabelle Magnolia.  
Isabelle’s father was the owner of a rich mining company. Their business was mostly located in the northern parts of France. She was a girl full of life, it seemed that she was never tired.  
She was his childhood friend - a young girl with brow hair, green eyes and an energetic personality that reminded me of someone I knew.  
They were sweet to each other, but often teased one another too. They were fusionnal and one could see that they deeply cared for each other. Farlan was always there for Isabelle, listening to her and giving her all the attention she wanted. 

Paris was the cultural center in the world at that time. Many writers, artists, and comedians lived in Montmartre or Montparnasse, creating a community. 

It was what people would later call “La Belle Époque” in France, which coincided with the end of the reign of Her Majesty the Queen Victoria and of her son His Majesty the King Edward VII.  
It was before the Great War, Europe was at his peak, and everything was great.  
Cabaret and Café opened in Montmartre, bringing together artists and writers; one could go on a night out with friends and end up talking to a young Picasso, Matisse, or Braque.  
The Lumière brother revolutionized photography and there was the beginning of the cinema.  
Art Nouveau was decorating the streets; the city was alive as much by night than by day, thus earning the title “the City of Light”. 

Meanwhile, life in the United Kingdom seemed like that of a different period, still hanging on our aristocracy titles despite the decline of the “Old Money”. 

We would spend many nights out, talking about the world, about ideas to make it better, about the latest novel of this one, or the latest painting of that one.  
We were young; maybe a little too young at the age of 17 to be out that late at night, but we loved the smell of cigars and wine, the feeling of being free and important in these places. 

It changed me to be away from the stoic atmosphere at Harrow’s, where you could never relax in fear of being bullied. 

A place were we spent a lot of time was a little theater where we small troupes would do different representation of classics. 

We would actually spend a lot of time in Montparnasse, too.  
One of Farlan’s friends, Reiner, was a regular. He was an actor and thanks to him we could sometimes go backstage and talk to the other comedians. 

I remember one night, after a particularly humorous play. We were in one of the backstage room, which was filled with people and smoke. 

Farlan was with me, as well as Isabelle. We were talking to a young artist who was telling us about his night at a cabaret last night. 

“It was the best night of my life I swear! The girls! They were the most beautiful girls ever!” 

“Ah, you sure are lucky! What I wouldn’t ask for a night with the gorgeous gir- argh!” Isabelle had struck her elbow against Farlan stomach, thus making him unable to finish his sentence.  
“Just kidding, _ma chérie_! Just kidding! I wouldn’t dream of it, you’re all I need” He said smiling at her, but winked at me when she turned to talk to the artist.  
 _This boy_. I shook my head, sipping my glass of wine. 

“Oh look! Berthold is here,” Isabelle said enthusiastically. She was looking at a tall boy who was talking to a small group of people.  
He was so tall; I could barely believe my eyes. _He must be one of the tallest people I’ve ever met_. Not as tall as Mike though, Erwin’s friend.  
He had black hair and seemed sort of in uncomfortable with the situation. It was as though he was constantly afraid that something would happen at any time. 

“Oh, Reiner must have invited him. It’s been quite some time since we last saw him” Farlan was also looking at the tall boy. 

“Is he a friend of yours?” I asked, wondering why they were all looking at him like they were expecting something to happen. 

And maybe they were, because as soon as I finished my sentence Reiner went up to Berthold and took his hand in his. 

I stared at their joined hands, not understanding what was going on.  
Why did Reiner do that? What the meaning behind this? 

“Oh yes, Berthold and Reiner are _amants._ It’s been two years now since they started to be more and more open about it.” 

“What? They’re lovers?” I spat the last word like it had burned my tongue. Farlan turned to me, looking surprised.  
I probably had a disgusted expression on my face, but I couldn’t understand why no one here was doing anything.  
The two boys were publicly showing that they were more than friends.  
It wasn’t right. They shouldn’t be doing that. I only felt anger and disgust toward them. 

“Yes Levi, they are lovers. Do you have a problem with that?”  
Farlan had a hard look on his face; he didn’t need my answer to see that I had indeed a problem with them. My glare was sufficient. 

“Please, tell me who you are to judge them? They love each other, what is wrong with that? They aren’t hurting anyone.” His cold tone made me look at him in disbelief. 

“They are an eyesore. That’s all, Farlan. It’s not natural and you know it. They should be arrested, someone should call the police” 

“No one will call anyone. There is no law against them here. This is not London Levi, people are free here. I can’t believe that you are so narrow-minded. Look at them, do they seem unnatural to you? Are they hurting anyone?”  
If there was anyone judging here, it was my friend, judging me. 

I looked at Reiner and Berthold again.  
They were still holding hands, laughing at someone’s joke. Reiner looked up at Berthold, and whispered something in his ear. The taller boy blushed and smiled, looking fondly at Reiner. 

They looked in love. 

I still felt repulsed and offended, but my chest tightened.  
I remembered this feeling from one year ago.  
It was a feeling of constant worry, something that made me almost unable to breathe, that made me feel like there was a heavy weight on my chest that almost brought me to tears, but at the same time made me a little angry. Frustrated. 

“Don’t tell me that they can’t be happy simply because you decided so” I looked up at Farlan, his pale blue eyes full of rage. “You must be the most selfish person ever, Levi”. His harsh tone hurt more than I would like to admit. He turned around, leaving me with an equally mad Isabelle who followed after him, not without shaking her head before leaving. 

I looked at Reiner and Berthold again. At their enlaced finger, at their smiles. 

I felt envy.

 

  

That night in my bed I kept thinking of Farlan’s words and of Reiner and Berthold. 

Was it really fine?  
Were some people really alright with this kind of behavior? It seemed unlikely to me.  
All I had ever heard was that it wasn’t natural, and that one shouldn’t even talk to these people.  
I never considered that perhaps I was the one in the wrong here. 

I thought of the time when I got back home from Eichenallee Herrenhaus, the day when the result of the trial of Wilde was announced.  
I remembered how the maids and the staff had been whispering about it, telling me to not ask questions.  
Then I remembered my parent and their anger.  
I had always thought that this anger was directed toward Wilde, but now that I thought about it, I had never heard them saying anything about the man himself.  
Didn’t he repulse them? Did they accept his behavior? 

I thought of the boys at Harrow’s. I thought of their bullying and the victims, of poor Stuart. 

I thought of Reiner and Berthold, of their happiness.

The one that caused the most damage to others were definitely the Harrow’s students.  
Had I been wrong this whole time?  
Reiner and Berthold didn’t seem like the type to corrupt people, to put them in hell with them. They just stood next to each other, smiling and holding hands lovingly.  
They weren’t the one pushing young boys toward death. 

I didn’t leave my room the next day, dwelling on these thought. 

What was love? Wasn’t it something that was supposed to happen only between a man and a woman?  
I loved my family, I loved Mikasa. 

However, I also Loved Erwin and Farlan. 

Was it the same love? 

Was it all right for two men to fall in love with each other? 

In the midst of my inner turmoil, one particular face came to my mind more often than I’d like to admit. 

The more I kept thinking about it, the greater pressure on my chest.  
The more I felt like suffocating despite my window being wide open.  
The more I felt like crying, like throwing every piece of furniture that was in the room, like screaming with all my strength in hope to get this frustration away. 

My head was hurting, as was my chest for some reason. 

By the second night Farlan knocked on my door. 

“Levi, what are you doing alone in your room all this time?”  
I didn’t respond. I felt like my head would explode, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. 

I heard him sigh, “Are you still angry about Reiner? Listen, things are different here. There has been no law against homosexuality since 1791! Well, there are still laws against indecent exposure, and it’s already hard enough for them. Why can’t you just accept that this is who they are?” 

There was a pause, and I didn’t hear anything for a while. 

“There is nothing unnatural about it, Levi” With this last sentence he left.

I didn’t move for some time after that.  
I was in my bed, staring blankly at the door behind which Farlan earlier stood.

I slumped back in my bed, arms outstretched. 

I looked up at the white ceiling. 

Light poured from the open window, the setting sun was casting an orange glow in the room. 

I’ll always remember this moment. 

Farlan last sentence kept repeating itself in my head. 

“There is nothing unnatural about it Levi” 

_There is nothing unnatural about it.  
_

_Nothing unnatural_. 

One single tear fell from my left eye. 

I touched it, surprised to find myself crying.  
I looked at my wet finger, the tear slowly drying. 

“It is nothing unnatural,” I whispered. 

I smiled, feeling laughter bubble in my chest. 

A few second later I was clenching my stomach from laughing so much. It had come out of nowhere, the abrupt outburst making me shake.  
I rolled on one side, still clenching my stomach. 

It felt as though this weight, this weight that has been on my chest since last summer had finally been lifted.  
I felt relief. Like I was suddenly very light, and that all these thought I was dwelling on before didn’t matter anymore.  
It was so simple. 

It was like everything had fallen into place, like it had always made sense, that I had always known deep down, and was only hiding the truth to myself. 

The room was filled with my laughter, my short intake of breath soon replaced by quiet gasps and sniffing. 

More tears fell from my eyes. 

I was crying so much that I couldn’t even see the painting on the opposite side of the room. 

I buried my face in my pillow to stifle my crying. 

I had felt joy only a moment ago, yet now I was crying my eyes out like I had never done before.  
Not even when Milord, one of our dogs, had died did I cry this much.

Now I felt miserable, I felt desolation, I felt pain.

I had finally realized who I was, what I was.

It had made me feel better in some ways, but it had also hurt a lot. 

It made my heart ache and at the same time feel euphoric. 

I spent the rest of the night in a fetal position, crying. 

I was mourning my previous life, the one spent in a blissful ignorance. 

 

I emerged from my room the next day, my head pounding like French can-can dancers were doing a show in there.  
My eyes were blood shot. 

Let’s say it.  
Overall I looked like shit. 

Despite that, I was delighted. I felt good.

I felt good for the first time in a long time.

I saw Farlan in the lounge and smiled at him. 

He was a little startled to see me in my current state, but despite that smiled warmly at me. 

 

 

And just like that we got back into our little routine, as though nothing had happened.

 

I returned to London at the end of summer. 

This year was my second last at Harrow’s. 

In two years I would have to go to University.  
I would have to start to choose which one I wanted apply to. I had several choices, as I wasn’t a bad student and my parent had money. Oxford and Cambridge were my first two choices.  
Oxford was closer to London, but Cambridge would allow me a little more space.  
Erwin was thinking of going to Cambridge, and I was strongly considering following him.  
I had known him for so long, I couldn’t imagine how I would manage without him. 

This year dragged on slowly. The only thing that got me mildly exited was the new century.  
The XIXs would be over, and we would enter a new era; the XXs.  
It was incredible, being alive at that time, with the industrialization and worldwide trade in full swing. 

But I was getting more and more bored of life at Harrow’s, despite me coming home more often now.  
Father wasn’t home often, and when he was he would teach me the rope of his business.  
One day I was going to inherit the company, as well as the Earl title.

And that brought all the balls and receptions.  
I was 18, and this meant that my parents were already searching a bride for me. 

I can’t count the number of times I went to receptions that year, nor the times I had to talk to a Viscount’s daughter, or a Count’s Daughter, a Duke’s daughter and so on. 

Of course I remained polite, and courteous to them.  
Most of the time. 

A lot of these girls where pushed by their families to talk to me so that perhaps an arranged marriage could happen, all for politics and money.  
Money was everything. 

However, each time I talked to one of these young ladies, I would notice that they didn’t have those green eyes that I loved.  
All of them had that pale skin that was oh so sought-after. They didn’t have the sun kissed skin that screamed of summer and reminded me of lazy afternoons spent in the library.  
They all had frail bodies, nothing compared to those back muscles and that toned stomach that I had in mind. 

I was thinking about Eren again.  
And this time I didn’t try to stop myself. 

I was waiting for summer impatiently. 

I wanted to see Eren. 

Although I didn’t really know how to face him after my cold treatment that summer, let alone after realizing my feelings for him.  
I couldn’t possibly tell him, what would he say?  
He would probably feel repulsed by me. 

I had always thought of Eren as a friend, but now I knew that l loved him more than that.  
Would I ever tell him about my feelings?  
I didn’t know. All I knew was that I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. 

Slowly but surely, May was replaced by June and it was time for me to go back to Eichenallee Herrenhaus.  
I had told to my father that I would like to go back to Germany once again. He had grunted, and told me that I should make up my mind instead of changing all the time.

Apparently “all the time” meant one time a year for him. 

The mansion hadn’t changed since the last time I came, the oaks were still bordering the alley that led to the imposing front door, the walls were still shining all white, and the little spark of red still made the place look like it came out of a fairytale. 

Warmth spread in my chest.  
I was glad to be back. 

The staffs were all lined up outside for my arrival, from the highest to lowest. 

Pixis was first as the Land Steward, followed by Armin the House Steward, then the Butler Eld; the Housekeeper Petra; the Cook Gunther; the Lady's Maid and Valet Aururo and then the First Footman, Eren.

Like the first time I was here he wasn’t bowing his head, unlike the rest of the staff.  
Instead he was looking straight at me with his vibrant eyes. 

We stared at each other before I turned my gaze away, paying attention to Pixis who was now telling me how much they had missed me last year. 

My neck grew hotter as I felt Eren’s stare linger at me.  
Despite that, a small smile made it’s way on my face. 

I had missed him. 

I found myself in the library later that day, hoping Eren would come. 

He didn’t. 

So instead I searched for a book to pass time.  
Most of them where in German, but now that I was fluent I had no problem reading any of them.  
I passed some book rows, touching the spine with my hand and feeling the cold leather under my fingers.  
I stopped haphazardly on a green book, noticing that a second one really similar was just next to it.  
I took the book off the shelf; it was _Die Elixiere des Teufels_ by E.T.A Hoffmann.  
I translated it to _The Devil's Elixirs._ The other book just beside it was the second tome. 

I didn’t have anything else to do, and so I sat in one of the couch and started reading. 

I stayed up late that night, waiting for Eren to come but he didn’t. 

I returned to the library the next day, waiting for him again. I picked up where I had left off in Hoffmann’s book, and continued reading.  
Eren didn’t come that day either. 

I was worried that he was still mad at me from last time, since the third day he didn’t come either. 

But just as I was going to go back to my room he entered the library. 

“Hello Levi, sorry I couldn’t come earlier” He smiled and came to sit down next to me on the couch. “Eld kept me busy” 

“It’s alright, I was reading”, I showed him the book and he suddenly jolted, eyes wide open. 

“Oh! That reminds me!” He hurriedly got up from the couch and left the library almost running. His head popped out of the entrance just a few second after he had left.  
“Please wait a little I’m coming back!” And he was gone again. 

I sighted and slumped against the side of the couch.  
And I had hoped we could just talk calmly. 

I had noticed that Eren had grown quite a lot, now towering a good few inches over me.  
His hair was shorter than last time, the shorter strand reaching his ears. 

He came back a few minutes later with a book in his hands. 

“Here, I wanted to give it to you last year, but huh…” He scratched the back of his head. I looked down on the book. It was a black the smooth leather sliding under my finger. 

“The Picture of Dorian Gray” I read.  
Oscar Wilde.  
The first author I had read when I was here. 

I looked up at Eren. 

“I hope you haven’t read it yet. It’s in English, I saw it in a bookstore and thought you would like it” 

I looked at the book again.  
I felt a smile grow up on my face. 

My teacher had said that the book showed an awful example for young people, therefore it had been banned.  
I was sure I had it at the Ackerman estate, but I had never gotten around to actually read it.

 

“Thanks Eren, I haven’t read it yet, they banned this book at Harrow’s” I looked up again, smiling at him.

He smiled back, his head titling to the left. 

I felt overjoyed.

Eren had brought me present.  
He had thought of me when I wasn’t here. 

“So what happened last year? Why didn’t you come?”  
Eren made himself comfortable on the couch and positioned himself so he was facing me. 

“I went to France. Visited father’s business partner, you know, the Church family” I was playing with the page of the book. I didn’t want to look at him. What if he was mad now? 

“France! You went to France! How lucky! I would love to go here some day!” he exclaimed excitedly. 

I jerked my head up in surprise. He wasn’t mad.  
Instead he was looking at me eagerly. 

“Yes, yes I went to France. It was really great.” 

“Tell me, what did you see! Did you go to Paris? Did you see the Eiffel Tower?” I was startled by his enthusiasm, my eyes a little wide. 

And I burst out laughing.  
I was glad that he hadn’t changed. And I was relieved that things hadn’t changed between us.  
I was happy to be with him. 

“Why are you laughing? Levi please!” 

“Sorry sorry, it is just that you still acting like a child” I kept giggling while Eren pouted. But I could see a little smile at the corner of his lips. 

“I would like to remind you that I am twenty two. Much older than you”

“Yes, you are right. Sorry.” I wiped a tear in the corner of my eye and smiled at him again.  
I was smiling so much, my cheeks were hurting. 

“Anyway Levi, the sun is already down, and I need to get up early tomorrow. How about we talk about your trip tomorrow?” 

“Yes, we can do that. If I’m not in the library just go to my room, I will probably be there instead” I stood up and stretched, muscles stiff from sitting for so long.

“Good night, young master!” Eren said cheerfully, before yawning. 

“Tch, don’t call me that” I grumbled while leaving.  
I could imagine him smiling behind me, and it only made me feel warmer. 

 

The next day was spent in the library reading The Picture of Dorian Gray.  
The book was truly entrancing.  
Dorian’s story captivated me. How he experienced the world, and his view on it fascinated me. His naïve mind that slowly became more and more dark was truly interesting. 

At that time, I fell in love a little with him, but who didn’t?  
Looking back now I can see that Dorian had many flaws, and that Lord Henry wasn’t the best friend one could get.  
I used to see their relationship as the most beautiful and pure thing, a strong friendship between two men in its entire splendor. 

It sure wasn’t.  
Nor pure nor beautiful. 

Or at least as pure as my feelings for Eren were, and those were the furthest away from that. 

Night came, I was still in the library and there was no sign of Eren.  
I went back to my room, thinking that Eren would surely pass by. 

I took a bath, put on my night cloth and went to bed. 

But sleep didn’t come. 

Instead, a warm feeling was growing in my stomach.  
Or more precisely, in my lower stomach. 

I had felt this way before. Many time to be honest, but never acted upon my urges.  
I had always tried to calm myself, and let this warmth pass. 

But tonight I didn’t want to.  
I wanted to see where it would lead me, even if I had an idea. 

I lay on my back, on top of the cover, listening to my breath.  
Why tonight?  
Was it because I was back in Germany? Was it because I had finally realized my feelings for Eren? Was it because of Eren’s proximity?  
My guesses were the latter. 

And I did what I had forbidden myself from doing for the past year. 

I thought of Eren. 

I thought of his smile, and the really small dimple you could see if you paid close attention.  
I thought of his laugh, how his voice echoed in the empty library.  
I thought of his breath on my skin, when we would sit close to me, and lean to see what book I was reading.  
I thought of that day at the clearing, of his muscles, his arms, his stomach and the trail of hair that went down. I thought of his wet body, glistening in the light of the sun. 

These last thoughts sparked something in me, making the warmth grow. I could feel myself breathe harder, heat up, and I felt a primal need.

Slowly, my right hand that had been resting on my stomach made its way further down, feeling the smooth fabric of my nightgown.  
I grabbed it, pulling at it so that my legs and my lower stomach were exposed to the fresh air of my room. 

I could feel my member harden to the fresh air, but also from arousal. 

My hand travelled lower, and softly, I touched it.  
A sigh escaped my lips as my hand grasped my dick. I felt electricity run through my body as I gripped tighter. 

I breathed in deeply.

“Ngh” My thumb rubbed the tip of my cock slowly making me whimper.  
It felt amazing, it was a thrilling sensation that made me tense, that sent me ablaze with raw passion.

I kept thinking about Eren, about him above me, I thought of his hands on me instead of mine.  
A soft moan escaped my lips, building up the pressure in my guts. 

“Ahh, Eren, ngh, Ah!” My hand started to stroke my cock, slowly at first.  
The friction of my hand made my dick harder but the feeling wasn’t enough. I couldn’t go as fast as I wanted, or it would irritate the skin.  
It hurt a little and I licked my hand hoping that my spit would smooth things out. 

My spit was lukewarm on my skin, making me shudder from the contrast of my throbbing member.

I stocked harder and faster, feeling the thrill of carnal desire grow more and more. 

“Mhaaah, han, Eren, Eren..”  
My thought of Eren got dirtier and dirtier, shameful images making me blush and harder. 

Those images make me squirm even now when I think about it years later. 

I started saying his name over and over like a mantra, wishing he was here. My back arched in and my toes curled in pleasure.  
Precum started dripping, making it easier to stroke. 

I felt tension rise more and more, it felt as though my whole body was on fire, from the little burning sensation in my tows passing to my hot balls to my scalding head. 

My breath was more erratic now, and I was saying Eren’s name loudly, I gripped my cock more firmly, jerking it harder, trusting my hips in a desperate manner, wanting nothing more than to release.  
I could feel the tension go up and up, making me squirm in my bed, one hands grasping the shirt, my chest rising quickly, puffs and rasps escaping my lips in between Eren’s name.  
My eyes were shut tightly, I could feel a few tears falling down. 

I felt enraptured, overexcited.

In a last jerking motion my whole body was sent ablaze, the tingling sensation in my stomach finally spreading everywhere. My back did an arch that I never thought I could do, my mouth was open with Eren’s name rapidly rolling off my tongue.  
“Eren, Eren, Ere- Aahh”  
My body shuddered, spams shaking me tremble while a white fluid covered my hand and my stomach.

A content sigh escaped my lips, my limbs suddenly feeling heavy. 

I stayed like that for a long time.  
Trying to calm myself, to catch my breath.  
I felt euphoric, blissful, like I was floating. 

My hand rested on my stomach, semen coating it slowly drying. 

I also felt sticky and dirty. 

I eventually got up from my bed to change clothes and clean myself. 

In the end Eren didn’t come by.

 

 

The next day I was in the library again when Eren passed by.

 I saw him enter, pause a little like he was hesitating to go in and finally deciding to go sit beside me.

 “Hello Eren” I put Wilde’s book on my laps, turning to look at him. 

“Good morning Levi” Eren wasn’t looking at me, his gaze was turned to the window. 

I was expecting him to say something, but he stayed like that, looking outside.  
I heard him swallow and saw his Adam’s apple go up and down. 

He looked nervous. 

I sighed, wondering why he was avoiding looking at me. 

“You didn’t come see me yesterday” I saw him freeze and then he took a deep breath, trying to relax himself a little. 

“Hum, yes sorry. I- I had a lot of work and Eld didn’t let me go until very late so I figured you would already be asleep.”  
He was rubbing his neck and because he was turning his head I could see one of his ears. 

It was red.  
Meaning he was lying. 

What was he lying about?  
Did he have time to come by but didn’t want to?  
Was he doing something else and forgot to come? 

I studied him for a while before sighing again and picking up the book.

He wasn’t going to talk, and it didn’t seem like he wanted to either. 

“Erm, I have work so I better get going” He got up and left without waiting for my answer. 

I stayed where I was, staring at the door, wondering what was going on. 

The next few days Eren didn’t come by the library, always finding an excuse to ditch me. 

After two weeks of that, I figured he was avoiding me. 

How ironic, I spent my last summer here avoiding him, and now it was his turn.  
And I had no idea what I had done wrong.  
Eren must have felt the same when I stopped talking to him for no reason, and I swore that I wouldn’t do this to anyone ever again. 

Being abandoned by the person you loved hurt, you didn’t know what to do or how to fix it, and you couldn’t even talk to them to try to understand what was going on. 

That summer was the longest and most boring one.  
I spent my time alone in the library, and once I had finished The Picture of Dorian Gray no other book appealed to me. 

I saw Eren from time to time, but except for the formal greetings, we never really talked to each other. 

“Give him some time, I’m sure he will talk to you again soon” Armin said when I asked him how Eren was doing and why he was avoiding me.  
“He has some matter to sort out, but everything will get back to normal” He smiled with his angelic face, and served me the tea, telling me that my tutor session of the day was cancelled because the teacher was sick. 

I hoped that he was right about Eren and that we would get back to normal soon. 

But we didn’t. The end of summer came and Eren was still avoiding me. 

 

 

I went back to London morose and hurt, feeling like I had lost something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just one chapter to go!!  
> This chapter was supposed to be longer and be only one chapter with the 3rd. But it was 10K words and I thought it would be too long for all the things that happen.
> 
> Leave kudos and comments! Comments make my day, it can be simplest thing it'll still make me smile!
> 
> My tumblr is [levis-diddly-dong](http://levis-diddly-dong.tumblr.com/)  
> !


	3. Souvenirs Aigre-doux

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are! Last chapter!!
> 
> Thanks to [Sab](http://gondolinnel.tumblr.com/) for the beta work!!
> 
> **NOW! WITH AMAZING FANART! ******Thanks again to[Sab](http://gondolinnel.tumblr.com/) who did an AMAZING piece of art for this fic. You can find it [here](http://gondolinnel.tumblr.com/post/144761001214/i-whispered-these-three-words-that-had-been-spoken/)!  
>  Thanks again Sab, ily!

November came and at the 30th, all newspapers discussed the very same topic.

Wilde’s death.  
He had died in Paris were he had exiled himself after getting out of prison. His health had been bad, and a cerebral meningitis took his life. 

Another topic that the newspapers were dealing with was the health of Her Majesty the Queen. 

She was sick and spent the Christmas of 1900 on the Isle of Wight.

New year’s came by with 1901 and at January 22nd the Queen died.  
Her son and successor King Edward VII, and her eldest grandson, Emperor Wilhelm II of Germany, were at her deathbed.  
The latter would declare war on England thirteen years later, and would start what people would later call World War I. 

 

Not talking to Eren over the summer really made me miserable. I couldn’t think of anything I had done.  
Or maybe he had realized my feelings for him and was disgusted, but how? 

I found myself thinking about it more and more, worrying that maybe we wouldn’t ever talk to each other again. 

But what was worst.  
Not talking to him, talking to him but never telling him my feelings, or telling him my feeling and then being rejected?  
The case of him accepting my feeling didn’t even pass my mind. It would be a miracle.  
On the one hand, I could try to apologize for what I had done (even though I had no idea what it was), and we could go back to being friends and I would be content with that, even without telling him how I feel. 

One the other hand, next summer would be my last, after that I wouldn’t go to Germany as often as I had before. Maybe that was my chance to tell him. If the feelings weren’t mutual then so be it.  
I would leave Germany without looking back.

If I didn’t, I would most likely regret it, thinking of what could have been. 

Or I could confess and he would accept my feelings, we could send each other letters, and I could try to go back from time to time.

Germany had laws against homosexuality, too, but I didn’t think that Eren would ever rat me out. I was still his master. 

With that in mind, I decided to confess, dreading the arrival of July more and more.  
When it finally came, I wasn’t so sure anymore.  
Would Eren still be avoiding me? Would he act as though nothing had happened?  
I hoped for the latter and packed my clothes to go. 

Like always, I was welcomed by all the staff lined up in front of the entrance.  
Pixis give his “We missed you and we are glad that you are back Master” speech, slightly drunk, but I wasn’t paying attention. Like always.  
I was looking at Eren who for once, had his head bowed. 

I didn’t take that as a good presentiment. 

 

I didn’t go to the library the first week, preferring to give Eren more time.  
I didn’t know why, given the fact that he had one year to “sort things out” has Armin had said. 

I was drinking my afternoon tea in one of the salons when Eren came to see me. 

He was wearing a dark brown suit with a dark green bowtie and a white shirt.  
He had grown taller again, and I wondered when he would stop growing. I was 1m60 and had stopped growing at 16, and thus envying his height. 

He was smiling. 

That was a good presentiment. 

 

“Good Afternoon Levi. I didn’t see you in the library this week, Armin told me you were spending your time here.” He stopped in the middle of the room, looking at his surrounding.  
I was sweating a little, not sure of how I should react.  
“Is it okay if I sit with you for a while?” he inquired looking hopeful. 

I nodded.  
So we were pretending like nothing had happened.  
Fine by me. 

We sat in silence, enjoying each other’s presence.  
At least I was enjoying Eren’s presence. I had missed him, and feeling him so close to me made my chest warm up. 

“So how was Harrow’s?” he asked, squirming a bit to make himself comfortable. 

“Same old, same old. The teachers think they know everything about the world and obstinate over insignificant events”, I put my cup of tea on the table, coring my hands on my laps.  
Eren chuckled. 

“What about next year?” 

“Oh, I’m going to Cambridge, and Erwin is going there too” 

“Amazing! You have to tell me all about it next year!” He said cheerfully. I glanced up at him, his bright green eyes shining eagerness. 

“It’s my last year here, I’ll spend the summer at father’s company the next year”.  
Eren was taken aback. His eyes widened a little in surprise and his mouth opened slightly. 

“Oh, that’s right, you’re nineteen now.” He sounded disappointed, and it made me feel bad. I didn’t want to leave him here. If I could I would take him with me back to London, where we could spend our time together without worrying about our counted time. 

Eren looked up to me, eyes full of resolve searching my face, focusing on my eyes, my mouth, my nose, then my mouth again.  
He licked his lips, opened them slightly like he wanted to say something, looked at my eyes again.  
Our face had gotten closer, I didn’t know how. I could almost feel his hot breath on my skin.  
Then he sighted, closed his eyes and backed away a little.

“Then we have to enjoy the rest of our time together! It’s your last summer, let’s make some good memories” He smiled but it looked fake, regret showing on his face, but it was gone as soon as it appeared.  
Eren wasn’t one of those people that could hide their emotions, everything he felt showed on his face, and that was one thing that I loved about him. 

“Yes, you are right. How about a ride with the horses one of these days?” I said trying to cheer him up a little.  
I wanted to spend more time with him too, and I knew he wouldn’t say no to a ride. 

“Yes let’s do that! It’s been a while since someone rode them” He smiled, a real smile this time, and I smiled in response, happy that we were talking again.

 

  

We had agreed to meet the next day and go for a ride; Eren had said that he would ask Eld the day off. 

Now, under the sun waiting for Jean to prepare the horses I remembered that fateful day three years ago. 

It has been a long way since then and I hoped that it wouldn’t stop here. 

“Here you go, young master, your horse is ready as well as one for Eren.” Jean the stable master said approaching with the horses. 

“I’m not young anymore, Jean” 

“Ahaha, I apologize but for me you will always be the little Levi that was afraid of Pyanli!” He was chuckling, his dumb face twisting into this stupid grin. 

“Pyanli wasn’t a horse it was a monster and I still think so. No man in his right mind would ever want to ride that horse. Also maybe you shouldn’t spend so much time with them Jean, you’re starting to look more and more like them” I said a little smirking.  
Jean chocked on air and became red, sputtering incomprehensible words.  


“Master is definitely spending too much time with Eren” He grumbled after calming himself down, looking at the grass. 

“There is no such thing as spending too much time with me Jean!” Eren interfered as he arrived seemingly out of nowhere, putting his hand on my shoulder.  
“Are we ready, Levi?” He was smiling and his smile made the day even brighter.  
He looked cheerful, and just looking at him made me smile. 

“Yes we are ready. We can go”. 

“ _Gut_ ” He patted my shoulder and took his horse’s rein from Jean. 

I went to take mine as well and got on my horse. 

 

We started out slowly - enjoying each other presence, the sun on our skin, and the wind blowing in the trees. The sound of a little water current, the birds, and our horses trampling twigs was all we heard. 

It was calm, relaxing in a way that I didn’t have to rack my brain to think of something to say. A small smile was playing on my lips.  
I kept stealing glances at Eren. I could swear his profile as he sat on that horse was the most beautiful thing ever. I had never seen someone ride a horse with so much ease and naturalness, not even Erwin who probably had the best horse riding teacher in Europe. 

I was completely content. 

“How about a race? First one to the clearing?” Eren asked after while, already starting to trot. 

I smiled wider and started a trot too which soon turned into a gallop.  
We raced through the woods, Eren taking the lead. 

He was definitively a better racer than me, not afraid to jump over fallen trees or making sharp turns.  
I was way more careful, always afraid that I would fall off, but I managed to not fall too far behind. 

Of course Eren got first to the clearing, and was already dismounted from his horse.

I was sweating; the sun and the race was making my heart beat faster.  
Of course, being alone with Eren didn’t make things any better. 

“Ah finally, I’ve been here for ages Levi!”

“Shut up, it wasn’t that far,” I muttered, getting off my horse.

“Ages, Levi! Ages!” He laughed. 

Eren was always more relaxed when it was only the two of us and his cheerful mood made mine lighter too.  
His mood was contagious, and I liked it. 

He was also sweating, his shirt wet in the front and the back. 

“Oh god I’m disgusting” He sniffed under his armpit and made a face.  
“Ugh” 

“Always a true gentleman I see Eren” I teased.  
He simply looked at me with his goofy smile before undoing his shirt without further notice. 

I looked away, feeling my face heat up.  
How could he be so comfortable being half naked in front of someone else?

“I’m going to swim a little, care to join me Levi?” 

“No thank you, I’ll just stay near the riverside”  
There was no way I was going to undress in front of him.  
My heart wouldn’t bear it.  
Nor would my _Mr. Homer._

“Alright as you wish!” He put his shirt on the grass, took off his boots and rolled up his pants.  
I was greatly relieved that he didn’t take those off, or I would have had to go into the water as well to cool myself down. 

I searched for good a spot under a tree so I that would be sitting in the shadows.  
God forbid I tan a little and ruin my perfect white complexion. 

I leaned against a tree not too far away from where Eren was swimming.

I closed my eyes enjoying the splashing sound Eren was making in the water and the birds singing.  
I dozed off a little, nearly falling asleep until Eren started screaming. 

“ _Oh mein Gott_! Levi! Levi! Come see that _! Ach du heilige Scheiße_!” 

“What! What?” I asked worried, I bolted up and came closer to him without going in the water.

“Just come closer! Come, come!” He was turning his back to me so I couldn’t see what he was telling me to see.  
I came closer again, my feet at the edge of the land, almost in water.

 

“I’m here! What is it?” I reiterated. 

Suddenly he turned around and grabbed me by the arm trying to make me fall in the water. He had this huge grin on his face and a mischievous in his eyes. 

“You son of a… “ Escaped my lips while I was struggling not to fall in the water. 

We wrestled more, Eren grabbing me by my two arms, pulling on his side and myself trying to get out of his grasp pulling me his way. 

I don’t exactly remember how we found ourselves in the next situation, it happened quickly. 

I think that Eren let go off my arms and as I was pulling so hard to get away from him I tripped backwards.  
At the last second though I managed to grab one of Eren’s arms to stabilize myself.  
Which was completely useless since Eren, who was taken by surprise, fell along with me. 

I found myself on the ground with a wet Eren on top of me. 

Now, _that_ was something Mr. Homer almost didn’t stand.  
Or more like something that would get Mr. Homer to stand… 

Eren had both his arms close to my head as he was resting on them trying not to crush me.  
His head was on my right side, face in the grass. 

I looked up at the clear sky trying to calm my beating heart, from the adrenaline of falling and the proximity of Eren. 

I felt his torso vibrate and I conclude that the idiot was laughing.  
I sighed and rolled my eyes. 

What a child. 

I felt him move his head a little, lifting it from the grass. 

Now, did I make the good choice by turning my head to look at him at the same time?  
I believe so even if sometimes I wonder if it would have saved me some unbearable pain in the future.

Regardless I turned my head at the same time, looking at him in the eyes. 

I could feel his hot breath on my skin, making me shiver. 

He was even more breathtaking up close.

His green eyes were dark, his pupil slightly dilated. His long eyelashes fluttering each time he blinked, caressing his cheeks. 

He smelled musky, of something sweet yet also something more fresh, like the forest we had just raced through. 

My breath was caught in my throat and my eyes a little widened, I couldn’t believe I was this close to him. Maybe this would be the closest I’d ever get. 

He was also studying me, his gaze going from my eyes to my nose, my forehead, my lips were he stayed a little longer, and then back to my eyes again. 

I thought that my heart was going to burst out of my chest, it was beating so loud. I was surprised that Eren hadn’t noticed.  
Or maybe he had but didn’t say anything. 

Maybe my heart wasn’t beating that fast, maybe it was Eren’s that I felt against my chest. 

I glanced at his lips too, feeling my face heat up just from doing that. 

His face moved even closer, his eyes checking if I was pulling away. 

It was too late for me now, I couldn’t back away, even if I had wanted to. 

He got even closer, more and more to the point where I tensed and shut my eyes close, waiting for what would happen next. 

I felt his lips on mine, and the breath that I had been holding for so long was finally released. 

It was hesitant at first, neither of us knowing how far the other was willing to go.  
I moved my lips against his, silently telling him that it was alright. 

It was as though we were doing something forbidden, yet I didn’t feel any guilt. 

Our nose bumped into the other’s a couple of times before Eren put his hand on my neck trying not to make me move too much.  
My hand went to his shoulder, grasping it tightly as the kiss got more heated. 

It was my first kiss and it was the best one. 

Our hot breaths were coming out in puffs, our saliva mixing with the other’s, our bodies pressing closer and closer.  
As we kissed I relaxed, enjoying our connection more and more. 

Eren nipped at my bottom lip, sucking on it making me grunt before backing away. 

I opened my eyes, and saw him, cheek red and lips swollen from the kiss.

It filled my heart with joy, but also apprehension, as I didn’t know how he would react.  
He was the one who kissed me first though.

Eren had kissed me. 

He kissed me. 

Realization hit me and I swear my face was redder than the French military uniform.  
We stared at each other, eye drilling into the other one’s. 

“Now I’m wet, get off me” I said, trying to change the suddenly uncomfortable mood.  
At least uncomfortable on my side. 

Eren smiled, got up and held out his hand so I could get up as well.

When we were standing, we stared at each other once more not knowing what to say.

It was like a dream, Eren had kissed me.  
But did it mean? That he liked me? Was it just in the spur of the moment? Was it a joke? 

I didn’t know what to think of it. 

Then Eren started rambling.  
“ _Scheiße_ , sorry Levi I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to, I mean I thought about it but I didn’t want to do it, please forget it, don’t be mad _, Bitte_ , I didn’t know it would happen even if I knew, I mean, no I –“

“It’s okay Eren I’m not mad” I interrupted him. He stopped in the middle of his sentence, taken aback. He wasn’t prepared for me not being mad.  
“I’m not mad, please calm down” I passed my hand trough my hair trying to come up with something to say.  
“What do you mean by you thought about it?” 

He looked at his feet ashamed. 

Then he raised his head making up his mind, confidence in his eyes. 

“ I like you Levi, I like you more than a friend. I’ve liked you for a while now; I like the little smile you make, the one you seem to make especially for me. I like your humor, I like your intelligence, I like your eyes, I like your hair. I like your laugh, how you can be witty, how it seems like you don’t care about what people say, of how proud your are of your family, I-“ He expired, taking a step closer to me.  
“I like you”

I couldn’t breathe. 

I felt joy, I felt relief, I felt my heart beating like mad, I felt my face heat up, and my eyes start to water. 

I covered my eyes with my hands, bowing my head a little so that he wouldn’t see my tears.

“I’m so sorry Levi, I didn’t mean to make you cry! Please don’t be mad, I swear I wont-“

“No you idiot! I’m not mad!” It seemed like Eren had a habit of rambling when he didn’t know what to do.  
“I’m not mad,” I said more calmly. I looked up to him.  
“I’m just happy” I smiled like never, m cheek hurting. 

I was truly happy. 

Eren’s mouth fell open his eyes wide. He crossed the few steps that separated us and embraced me. 

I tensed first, before letting myself relax, embracing him too.  
He was still half naked, yet his skin was warm from the sun. 

I felt alive, my chest was burning, my head spinning, butterflies in my stomach and a huge grin on my face made me happier than ever. 

The sun was shinning on us, the birds singing brought a light atmosphere to the clearing.  
The water was still flowing peacefully, the wind still blew, nothing had changed. 

Except us, smiling at each other, forehead against forehead. 

 

 

It was the beginning of something magic.

  

 

Later we talked more, telling each other how we truly felt, and our hands joined before going back to the mansion. 

 

This summer, this summer was the best summer of my life.

I spent most of my time with Eren, we used to kiss or just spend time together in the library, reading to each other. Telling stories, hugging each other.  
Eren sneaking into my room at night when we hadn’t seen each other during the day. 

I still remember our first time, the carnal desire above everything.  
Eren whispering sweet things into my ear, the wet sounds of our skin together, the moans and gasps escaping our lips, my legs around his hips, our fingers enlaced. 

One night when we were naked and in each other arms, Eren told me how he had learned about my feelings for him.  
He had heard me that one time I pleased myself in my room while whispering his name.  
I remember trying to hide; I thought I would die of embarrassment. Eren just laughed, tightening his embrace on me. 

I left for London at the end of summer as always, promising Eren to write him whenever I could. 

And that’s what I did. 

Cambridge was hard, but I still tried to find the time to write to Eren.  
His letters were filled with news of the mansion, how everyone was doing, the horses and the staff. I wrote him about my classes, the latest lady that had wanted to marry Erwin, my parents, and other news from London. 

I couldn’t go back to Germany the first summer of collage as my father bought me along with him to his work.

But I returned some time later that year when I was able to escape from university and my father. 

The reunion was sweet, full of love and kisses. 

 

It was like that for the next four years that followed.  
Exchanging letters, and going to Germany when I could. 

I kept promising him that I will try to get him to come to London, and even work for the Ackerman mansion.  
He was good First Footman, and my Dad wouldn’t be against a new, as the one who was currently in the mansion in London was getting old. 

In 1905 I was twenty-four and Eren was twenty-eight.  
I was almost out of Cambridge, and ready to spend the entire summer in Germany. 

I remember coming home for a weekend in April. 

I was ready to ask my father to transfer Eren here. It would be our only chance for us to be in the same country permanently. Sure Eren could come from time to time if it didn’t work, but he will eventually have to go back to Germany.  
I was therefore determined to make my father agree to the deal. 

I was ready to go back in Germany this year, telling Eren the good news that we could be together forever. 

As I entered the mansion, I noticed that it was very quiet.  
The maids were all in their quarters; no one was busy in the hallways. 

The butler took my luggage and told me that my parents were waiting for me in the main salon. 

Making my way up the wooden stairs I wondered what had happen. 

Both my parent sat on the couch, drinking tea.  
They both placed their cups back on the table when I entered, looking gloom.  
It made me uncomfortable, I had a very bad feeling in my stomach. It was twisting, like something awful was about to happen. 

“Levi, sit down” My Mother gestured to the couch in front of theirs. 

“I’m fine standing, thank you.”  
I was a little restless, fiddling with the hem of my waistcoat. 

“Sit down son”, my father said, leaving me no choice but to sit down.

Once sat, I looked at both of them.  
My mom had that sorry look on her face, the one she always wore whenever she was about to tell me something she knew would contradict me.  
My father looked stern as always, his mouth crisped into a thin line. 

“What is going on?” 

“Levi, dear, we have something to tell you, I’m sorry you have to learn it like that, it’s not-“

“Let me tell the boy, you’ll only make it longer” my father cut her. 

I breathed deeply. I wasn’t ready for whatever they were going to tell me. 

“Eichenallee Herrenhaus burned down.” 

My heart stopped. 

“Everyone died.” 

My world crumbled down. 

“I’m sorry Levi” 

I didn’t say anything, staring at my parents. 

I rose silently. 

“I understand” was all I said before leaving the room.  
I closed the door slowly before making me way to my room. 

I didn’t notice myself running till I banged my door open and then shutting it close. 

I slid down the door, staring at my room without seeing it. 

I didn’t feel a thing. 

The cold voice of my father echoed in my head. 

“ _Eichenallee Herrenhaus burned down, everyone died_ ”. 

My reason to feel had died.  
My reason to smile had died.  
My everything, my heart, my soul, my sunshine. 

Silent tears fell down my face. 

I couldn’t breath again, suffocating in this room too big for myself.  
I crawled on the floor to my bed, crying more and more. 

I was terraced.  
It was like someone had ripped my heart, leaving an empty shell unable to feel again. 

I buried my face in my sheets, trying to stifle my screams.

I was crushed, devastated, and empty. 

He was gone.  
He was gone and I would never see his smile again, never see his beautiful eyes, hear his delightful voice, and never rest in his arms again. 

Eren had gone to dust, the wind probably taking his ashes away. 

 

It was the most awful week of my life.  
I didn’t want to leave my room, didn’t want to talk to anyone.  
I didn’t go to Cambridge until my father; sick of my self-pitying forced me to go. 

 

This year was hard.  
I hardly found joy in anything, and as I was nearing twenty-five, my parent were desperate to have me married.  
All the rendezvous and courting made me sick, like life was laughing at my fate.

  

 

 

I eventually had to marry a girl.  
The daughter of a viscount, she had beautiful blond hair and brown eyes, a nice smile and a petit body. She was kind and lovely, I couldn’t complain about her.  
I can’t say that I was sad during our marriage, it could have been much worse. I just tried not to imagine the “what could have been”.  
We had three lovable children, the second sadly died at a young age. 

War started and with it all the atrocity the world could think off.  
When it ended we thought that peace was back again, before another war started. The few years between these two felt like bliss. 

I lost my wife during World War II, I was fifty-nine.

Aristocracy lost its power as well as the title.  
I was still Earl but what did it mean?

Thankfully, I still had my family company, and despite our loss during the war, we still managed to make it work. 

 

 

I only returned once to Eichenallee Herrenhaus.

It was one month before my wedding. 

The trees that had once bordered the alley had all burned, all that remained of the house that had once been shining in white was but a black ruin.  
We could still smell ashes.  
Or maybe it was just me. 

I walked up to the main entrance, now nothing more than burnt wood. 

Memories flashed in my head.  
Some happy ones, and some less. 

I looked at the remains, thinking of Eren.  
Of his smile, the way he would kiss me in the morning, his laugh, his bickering with Jean.  
His love for horses and long walks into the wood. 

His dream to see the world one time. 

Our dream to be together in London. 

I whispered these three words that had been spoken so many times - in the warm sheets of my bed, in the library, in the woods.  
Spoken so many times. But that never lost their meaning, instead getting stronger and stronger. 

 

“I love you”.

 

 

 

  

 “ “ _The Love that dare not speak its name" in this century is such a great affection of an elder for a younger man as there was between David and Jonathan, such as Plato made the very basis of his philosophy, and such as you find in the sonnets of Michelangelo and Shakespeare._

_It is that deep, spiritual affection that is as pure as it is perfect. It dictates and pervades great works of art like those of Shakespeare and Michelangelo, and those two letters of mine, such as they are._

_It is in this century misunderstood, so much misunderstood that it may be described as the "Love that dare not speak its name," and on account of it I am placed where I am now.  It is beautiful, it is fine, it is the noblest form of affection._

_There is nothing unnatural about it.  It is intellectual, and it repeatedly exists between an elder and a younger man, when the elder man has intellect, and the younger man has all the joy, hope and glamour of life before him. That it should be so the world does not understand.  The world mocks at it and sometimes puts one in the pillory for it.”_

 

[Oscar Wilde during his trial May 1895](http://law2.umkc.edu/faculty/projects/ftrials/wilde/Crimwilde.html)

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY! REALLY!!  
> I really couldn't see the two of them together in this AU, so, ye...
> 
> Anyway, I really enjoyed writing this, and maybe in the future, I will re-write it to add more detail about each summer and everything (maybe change the ending who knows?)
> 
> Comments and feedback make my life, if you leave one you'll make my day! It can just say "u did gut", just so I know you guys liked it!
> 
> My tumblr is [levis-diddly-dong](http://levis-diddly-dong.tumblr.com/) so if you want to yell at me because of the ending please do


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